Cucumbers
by goodgollymolly
Summary: Rachel wants to give Finn a "special" birthday present and consults with Kurt and Blaine, who are more than a little embarrassed.  Awkward oneshot! T for mentions of sexual contact.


A/N: This one is kind of cracky, but it just popped into my head and wouldn't leave! I also want to thank you all again for all your kind reviews-I've even had a couple of people just find me and go review all my stories (which was awesome to wake up to!). I love hearing from you guys, be it in a review or favorite. You rock! And again, if I could give you hugs without it being excessively creepy, I would. :)

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><p>"I have asked you two out for coffee because I have a proposition to make," Rachel Berry said, looking at the confused couple in front of her, "I'm hoping you'll help me out."<p>

Kurt and Blaine looked at each other, clearly bewildered. "What do you want Rachel?" Kurt finally sighed.

"Well, I would love to give Finn a memorable birthday gift, and I simply must have your help."

"That's sweet," Blaine replied, smiling, "what were you thinking of? Did you want to serenade him? I'm sure the rest of the glee club-"

"No, no," Rachel interrupted, "that won't be necessary, it's a bit more…personal."

"Do you want us to get my dad and Carole out of the house?" Kurt grinned conspiratorially, "Because that can be arranged."

"Eventually yes," she answered, "but there are a few things I need to…learn first."

Blaine looked at her, obviously very puzzled, "I'm not getting where you're going with this-could you enlighten me?"

Rachel took a deep breath, then quickly spoke. "I need you two to teach me how to perform fellatio."

Kurt, who had just taken a bite of biscotti, started to choke. Blaine was slapping his back, as Kurt was coughing wildly, attempting to mouth _I hate you_ at Rachel through his coughs. He could just feel the eyes of the other patrons of the Lima Bean on them. When he finally stopped coughing, he looked up at Rachel malevolently.

"No, absolutely not. Not happening."

"Kurt! I really want Finn's birthday to be spectacular."

"It's not exactly rocket science," Blaine added, "I mean, I figured it-"

"Blaine," Kurt hissed, then turned to Rachel, "I haven't the faintest idea on how to do anything like _that_."

Blaine snorted into his coffee, and Kurt sent him his best bitch glare, to which Blaine gave an innocent grin back.

"Would you two just hear me out? I know you've done things-Finn told me that he heard you two in the shower a couple weeks ago, so I know that you have tried some kind of…sexual act. I just need your help to make it special!"

"Rachel," Blaine began slowly, "we're-I mean, I'm very honored that you would come to us with something like this, but wouldn't it be better to ask someone else? Like a girlfriend?"

"Who better to ask than a couple where both of them have penises?"

Kurt spit some of his iced coffee on the table, glaring at Rachel again as he wiped it up.

"You really have to stop saying things like that when I'm eating or drinking! And no, the answer is no!"

"What Kurt means to say is that this is a very personal thing," Blaine said, grabbing Kurt's hand, "and really, everyone has their own personal likes and dislikes, for example, Kurt likes it when I-"

"Blaine, if you continue, you won't have to worry about what I like when we…when we," Kurt was becoming more and more flustered as he turned bright red, "when we do that."

"Kurt," Rachel said gently, "does this make you uncomfortable?"

"No," Kurt replied, oddly high pitched, "I love to discuss my love life with you! In a crowded coffee shop! Especially in a red state where people think that I'm an abomination. Can't think of anything I'd rather do. Let's talk about oral-"

"Hey," Blaine interrupted, rubbing circles against Kurt's hand with his thumb, "why don't we take this somewhere more private."

"How about we just throw ourselves off a bridge and pretend this never happened," Kurt muttered.

Blaine squeezed his hand tightly. "Can we go back to your house Rachel?"

"No," she gasped, "my dads are there and they cannot know that I'm doing this!"

"Says the girl who basically announced what she wanted to do in a coffee shop," Kurt retorted.

"That's big, coming from the boy who can't even say blowjob, even though I'm certain he's given and received them."

Kurt turned bright red and moved to speak, but the words wouldn't come.

"Kurt," Blaine murmured, "your house is empty, right? Finn's at football practice and Carole and Burt are at work?"

"No…no! I am not teaching Rachel Berry how to…to…"

"I could just watch!"

Kurt and Blaine both turned to face her, obviously horrified. "No. Helping you with a couple things is one thing, but…just no," Blaine said, clearly flustered.

"Let's go to your house Kurt, I just need a couple pointers."

"If it ends this insanity, fine…I just, I really don't see how this will help."

"You're a doll, Kurt," Rachel beamed, getting up from the table, "don't worry! I brought cucumbers to practice on!"

"What have we gotten ourselves into?" Blaine muttered, dragging Kurt to his car, "How did this happen?"

Fifteen minutes later, they were sitting around the Hudmel kitchen table with three cucumbers sitting between them.

"So, where do I begin?" Rachel asked cheerfully.

"This is not happening…this is not happening. I am not showing my brother's girlfriend how to perform oral sex!" Kurt crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"I'm not sure about this," Blaine said, eyeing the cucumbers, "you kinda picked rather…large cucumbers. You do realize that most guys aren't that big, right?"

"Well, from the movies I watched, these seemed about right."

"You watched porn?" Kurt squeaked. "How could you watch porn? Don't you wonder about their poor parents and their-"

"Kurt," Blaine cut in gently, "we know how you feel about porn. And Rachel, most guys aren't quite that long or…wide for that matter."

"You're going to be sorely disappointed," Kurt muttered under his breath.

"I'm sure it will be magical! I want some act of consummation for our relationship."

"Hey," Kurt said a little too brightly, "I think that it may be a little early in your relationship for something of this magnitude. It's very personal and-"

"We've been dating for longer than you and Blaine!"

Blaine cleared his throat, "Not exactly, you guys got together at Nationals-"

"But we were together for almost eight months when we broke up! Then we were broken up for a few months, and now we're back together. So we've been together like a year."

"Okay, okay," Blaine quickly replied, then continued, "where to start, where to start?"

"I should put it in my mouth, right?" Rachel looked intently at the cucumbers.

"Um, that's kind of the point," Kurt said, looking at her like she was crazy.

Rachel picked up a cucumber and was bringing to her mouth, when she asked, "So, Cosmo said that some guys like teeth-"

"No," Blaine shuddered, "no they don't."

"Are you sure?" She asked.

"Definitely," Kurt answered, shuddering as well, "teeth are not good on that body part."

"But Cosmo said to gently drag them up-"

"Just no. No man wants teeth on their junk. What if you accidentally bit down?" Blaine winced as he said the last part.

"Fine, whatever you say. So, do I just shove it in my mouth?"

Kurt rolled his eyes, "No you do not just shove it in your mouth! You're going to have to be careful because…because he may get…excited and start to….well, um…"

"What Kurt means to say," Blaine continued, "is that he might like it a lot and, well, thrust upward."

"Why would that be a problem?" Rachel looked very puzzled.

"Rach, two words: gag reflex." Kurt remembered almost choking Blaine the first time and shot him a sympathetic look.

"Oh" Rachel responded, "I don't really have one."

"Well, that will come in handy if he does get especially excited like someone else I know," Blaine giggled.

Kurt turned bright red and slapped him lightly on the shoulder, "Shut up, you've done the same thing!"

"Well, at least I didn't try to choke you with my-"

"Boys," Rachel interrupted, "you really aren't helping at all! How am I supposed to learn how to do this when all you two are doing is bickering?"

Kurt shot her a bitch glare. "I'm sorry, I'm still just very uncomfortable with idea of teaching my brother's girlfriend how to give a blowjob!"

"Who else am I going to ask?"

"Santana," Kurt answered, "she would know exactly what to do."

"True," Blaine added, "she's even a legend in Westerville."

"I am not asking Santana Lopez about this! She'll just make fun of me. If you two refuse to help me, I'm just going to have to turn to Cosmo."

"No, not a good idea," Blaine said quickly, "we wouldn't want you biting Finn's penis off."

"So teach me! Just show me-on the cucumber," she added, after seeing the look on Kurt's face, "seriously, I don't see why this is so hard for you!"

"That's what she said," Kurt mumbled under his breath.

"Fine! I'm done with this! Maybe I will just bite Finn's dick off!"

"What?" Finn had just walked through the door from the garage, "Oh my God why would you bite my penis off?"

"What's going on in here?" Burt had just joined Finn on the other side of the kitchen.

"Well, I walked in and Rachel said she was going to bite my dick off!" Finn looked horrified, and had his hands over his crotch.

"Finn, I'm sure you just heard wrong," Burt said, slapping Finn on the shoulder, "right everyone?"

"No, Mr. Hummel," Rachel replied, standing as she addressed Burt, "Finn heard correctly."

"Oh no," Kurt groaned into Blaine's ear, "here it comes."

"You see, Mr. Hummel," Rachel continued, shooting Kurt a look, "I wanted to give Finn a very special present for his birthday, and I asked Kurt and Blaine for some help."

"Kurt and Blaine want to help neuter me?" Finn looked at Kurt and Blaine, a mixture of hurt and confusion in his eyes.

"Get on with it Rachel," Burt growled.

"Well, I wanted to give Finn…I wanted to…well, you know we've been dating for a while, and I wanted to show him how much he means to me. I thought the best way would be to give him a…"

"Give me a what, Rachel? Because I'm not cool with anything that involves removing my junk!"

"Blowjob," she almost whispered.

Burt's and Finn's eyes went wide, and Kurt and Blaine just stared at the tabletop. They shared a very uncomfortable silence.

"Dad," Kurt said meekly, breaking the tense moment, "I think Blaine and I are going to go watch a movie. I think this may be a little personal."

"I think you're right," Burt murmured eyeing Finn and Rachel, "go ahead. I think I may have to have a talk with these two."

Kurt and Blaine scurried upstairs hand in hand, "I can't believe we got out of a kitchen table talk," Blaine whispered, "this is definitely a first."

"I know! I feel like we dodged a bullet," Kurt whispered back as they made it to his room, "however, I don't think I'll ever get over the fact that Rachel Berry asked us how to give blowjobs."

"It was strange," Blaine said, sitting down on Kurt's bed, back against the headboard, "the look on Finn's face though!"

"Oh my God," Kurt laughed, "that was priceless. But how that girl thought teeth would be okay."

"Never. I'm glad we at least set her straight on that," Blaine giggled, "hey, wanna cuddle?"

"Do I want to cuddle?" Kurt pretended to contemplate the offer for a moment. "I guess…if I have to."

"Well, fine," Blaine said, crossing his arms in front of him, "maybe I don't want to cuddle then."

"Hey," Kurt murmured, lying down next to Blaine, "I was just kidding!"

"I guess I forgive you," Blaine replied, wrapping his arm around Kurt, "so what're we watching today."

"Ratatouille," Kurt nuzzled into Blaine's side.

"Sounds good to me."

"Oh my God," Kurt shot upright, causing Blaine to flinch away in surprise, "what if we have cucumbers in something for dinner tonight? Carole talked about making cucumber salad to go with burgers, I don't think I'll be able to eat that with a straight face!"

Blaine laughed uncontrollably, pulling Kurt back to him, "Don't worry, you won't be the only one."


End file.
